Ouran High School Host Club shortfic
by afrai
Summary: A clutch of Ouran snippets, various pairings and occasional gen. May contain traces of Eyeshield 21, Discworld, Bleach and space pirate AU.
1. Chapter 1

Author: afrai  
Summary: Pretty much what it says on the box.   
Disclaimer: Not mine!  
Notes: These were largely written in response to LJ memes. Many thanks to the requesters.

* * *

_For pilesofdust - Tamaki and one of the twins_

Kaoru was occasionally afflicted with fits of optimism.

"Milord!" he announced. "We have a mission!"

"My devil son! Have you finally decided to discard your evil ways?"

"What are your feelings for Haruhi?"

"... ah. Paternal affection?"

"Try again."

"Paternal_esque_ affection?"

"Think, milord," said Kaoru. "We're your children too, but you don't feel the same towards us, do you?"

"But you're boys!"

"Think about me and Hikaru's appeal," Kaoru suggested.

"Forbidden symmetry ... " Tamaki's brow wrinkled. "I'm having a scandalous homosexual affair with you and Hikaru?"

Well, Kaoru thought as he dusted off his hands, maybe the status quo wasn't _that_ bad.


	2. Chapter 2

_For lacewood - SPACE PIRATES AU_

"But you've already taken my ship and my cargo!" The man sprawled on the bridge was white with terror. "I beg you, spare me. I'm a married man!"

"Your wife will understand," said one of the red-headed pilots. He grinned, revealing beautifully straight white teeth such as no ordinary spacer had. His twin patted the man on the arm, gold bracelets jingling.

"She'll like you even better once we're done with you!" he said cheerfully.

"Please! Can't you just throw me out of the airlock?"

"Oh! The husband's noble heart rebels against the notion of dallying with any other woman!" The unhinged blond captain clasped his hands. "Kyouya, we must return him to his wife's loving embrace at once!"

"We're pirates, remember? We don't do tearful reunions," said the first mate. He touched his pen to his clipboard, and the hologram of the captured ship hovering above it vanished. "Now we've gone over the, ah, booty, let us discuss your bondage to the _Host Club_ ... "

The man shot a pleading look at the last member of the crew.

"But who ever heard of pirate gigolos?" he wailed.

"Don't look at me," said the bored-looking cabin boy. "I asked for the airlock too."

The rest of the crew glared at him.

"Arr," added Haruhi.


	3. Chapter 3

_For tiggielil - Mori/Haruhi_

"Mori-senpai's so popular, even though he's quiet," said Haruhi. "

His silence is his selling point." Kyouya glanced at her. "Is something troubling you?"

"No-o, but those girls." All of them crowded around Mori-senpai, hoping. "How would someone knew he liked her, if he never says anything?"

"With Mori-senpai? Perhaps," said Kyouya, "it would simply be that he was there, at the end of the day."

After the clients left, Haruhi collapsed on a couch, rubbing her eyes. When she opened them, Mori was kneeling before her, holding out a steaming cup of tea.

"Oh," she said, "_oh._"

"Mm," Mori agreed.


	4. Chapter 4

_For annwyd - Kyouya/Tamaki/Haruhi_

"You know," said Haruhi, "if you really wanted to save money, you shouldn't have asked us both to move in."

Kyouya's hands stilled on the newspaper. After a moment he turned a page.

"An interesting opinion," he said. "Why do you say that?"

"Fish, natto and rice don't cost much," said Haruhi. "But Tamaki-senpai ... "

They both looked over to the buffet table. Tamaki appeared to be involved in a titanic struggle with the desserts section.

The cheesecake was winning.

"I didn't think even rich people would eat lobster for breakfast," said Haruhi.

Kyouya usually had a mug of black coffee and nothing else. He did all his bargaining in the morning.

"The profits from our ... partnership off-set Tamaki's eating habits," he said.

"I know," said Haruhi, misinterpreting as usual, but before he could disillusion her, she'd pushed a croissant over to him.

"It's too early in the morning for cynicism, Kyouya-senpai," she said. "You should eat some breakfast."

Kyouya pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "If you wish to accuse me of having the purest motives in asking the heir to the Suou empire and the best lawyer of her class to join their fortunes with mine, it is hardly in my interests to disagree."

"Yes, senpai," said Haruhi. "Have some jam."


	5. Chapter 5

_For brightredglow - Kaoru/Haruhi_

Haruhi found Kaoru outside on the steps.

"Are you all right?" she said.

"Fine," said Kaoru.

Haruhi didn't say anything.

"You don't believe me," said Kaoru. "I'm fine. I just didn't think ... I thought he'd leave me for _you_."

For a moment he looked sixteen again, and more alone than he had ever been.

Haruhi took his hand.

"Neither of us have left you, Kaoru," she said.

"I wanted things to stay the same," he said, but he didn't let go. After a while he put his head on her shoulder, and she pretended she didn't know he was crying.


	6. Chapter 6

_For marici - the worst pick-up line Haruhi's ever heard_

"Haruhi, let Daddy bask in the glow of your eyes, like the black pearls of Cleopatra recently uncovered by a crack team of archaeologists led by the man they call the Golden King, maverick hero of a thousand archaeological sites. Never fear, Dr. Haruhi! No ancient Egyptian curse will harm you while I am here. Get away from her! No mummy except Kyouya is allowed to touch Daddy's precious daughter! It was no problem at all, Dr. Haruhi. Pray do not weep upon my breast -- oh well, if it makes you feel better!"

"Senpai."

"Yes?"

"You're standing on my foot."


	7. Chapter 7

_For supacat - twins!_

If they'd had a longer attention span, they would have conquered the world. As it was, they amused themselves by making plans.

"We'll put milord on display. He'll be a tourist attraction."

"How will we keep him happy?"

"Milord would be boring if he was always in despair."

"Giving him Haruhi would keep him happy."

"But we want Haruhi for ourselves."

"She can sleep in our bed with us."

"Between?"

"Only on festivals and birthdays."

They grinned at each other, pitying the rest of the world.

"It must be boring to be boring."

"I don't know how people stand it."


	8. Chapter 8

_For bladderwrack - Kyouya and one or other of the twins_

"Far be it from me to interfere in anyone else's affairs," said Kyouya, "but have you ever considered discretion?"

Hikaru tore his eyes away from Haruhi's friends. He didn't see why anyone would keep talking to people they'd known in middle school. _He_ didn't -- with a couple of exceptions.

"What are you talking about?" he said irritably. One girl had her chin on Haruhi's shoulder, a familiar arm slung around her back. She had hideous hair.

"I mean," said Kyouya, "that you're making it increasingly easy to distinguish you and Kaoru, and not in a way that reflects well on you. While his silence admittedly has a hint of disingenuousness to it ... "

"Kyouya-senpai, are you really stupid enough to insult Kaoru behind his back to _me_?"

Kyouya tapped his clipboard with a pen.

"An interesting choice of words," he said coolly. "You'd best look in the mirror if you want to see stupidity. I'm telling you to learn from your brother's example, Hikaru. It would be ironic if your fear of being left behind were to be the cause of its coming true. That'll be 1,000 yen, please."

"_What?_"

Light glinted off Kyouya's spectacles. "It's good advice. Worth it at the price. I'll add it to your list of dues."

"I have a list of dues?"

"Comfort yourself," said Kyouya, with what for him was happiness. "It's something you have in common with Haruhi."


	9. Chapter 9

Crossover with Eyeshield 21

_For frogdance - Kyouya and Hiruma_

"Top of form, 'shadow king' of Japan's first high school gigolo society, yadda yadda yadda -- hah, third son of rich corporate bastard. That must burn, fucking demon lord."

"Must you call me that?" said Kyouya. Hiruma flipped a page in the ominous little black book he held, then grinned. There seemed to be teeth _everywhere_.

"Ohoho, photos of fucking demon lord and fucking blond pansy's first trip to Hokkaido together!"

Kyouya's left eyebrow twitched.

"Pulled out all the stops, didn't you, fucking demon lord!" Hiruma turned a photograph upside down and raised his eyebrows. "How the hell did you even fit that fish up your -- "

"I know where you live, where 75 of your funds come from, the exact details of your next planned training regime, and your grandmother's telephone number," said Kyouya. "Your mother cooks very well. She's a lovely woman."

"... Hn."

They looked at each other.

Hiruma put away his book.

"Remind me again why you're fucking around with this Host Club shit, fucking demon lord."

Kyouya shrugged. "It makes life interesting. Why do you play football?"

Hiruma smiled genuinely. It was even more horrible than his grin.

"Fucking demon lord," he said, with what would have been affection in any other huma -- well, sentient entity. "Stupid question. What the fuck else do you think there _is_?"


	10. Chapter 10

Crossover with Bleach

_For lisabee - Haruhi (Ouran) and Rukia (Bleach)_

The new girl was perched on the edge of her chair. Like so many of the girls at Ouran, she was polished almost to the point of being enamelled, trained elegance gilding every move. But she was so uncomfortable Haruhi wondered how the twins could have made those marked comments on Kuchiki arrogance. It always surprised her how much the Host Club seemed to miss.

"Are you all right?" said Haruhi. She smiled at the girl. "Don't mind Tamaki-senpai. You get used to him after a while."

"I'm fine," snapped the girl. She curled in on herself like an irritated hedgehog.

"It's a nice day," said Haruhi, ignoring her. She sat down. "Do you have any plans for this summer, Kuchiki-san?"

"My brother is going to Switzerland," said the girl.

"That sounds like fun," said Haruhi. "It's nice to travel with family, isn't it? I don't have any brothers or sisters, but I went to Hokkaido once with my mom and dad. We bought a mug. It's cracked now, but it's in my room. I keep my pens in it. I didn't like to throw it away. It's good to have reminders of happy times around you, don't you think?"

"How can you stand to be so _boring_?" said Rukia. She seemed inexplicably furious. Haruhi saw that she was close to tears. She decided Kuchiki-san was not the kind of person who would want that to be noticed.

"It seems a lot less stressful than being interesting," said Haruhi calmly. "Would you like more tea?"

* * *

"You do realise why Kuchiki-san keeps coming here, even though she never requests anyone," said Kyouya later.

"She's lonely, isn't she?" said Haruhi. "Her brother must be a busy person."

"Doubtless that's part of it," said Kyouya, looking at Haruhi. But she showed no sign of being aware that Kuchiki Rukia, like so many blown by the winds of fate into the scholarship kid's path, had fallen desperately in love with her.

"She's had an exciting life," ventured Kyouya, out of a sort of scientific interest. "Abandoned by her sister at a young age, numerous escapes from the various orphanages where she stayed, finally discovered by her wealthy brother-in-law. It's quite the fairy tale. It's no surprise if after all that, Kuchiki-san were attracted to peace -- even boredom -- wouldn't you agree?"

"I think," said Haruhi, "Kuchiki-san is the kind of person who would never be able to escape excitement."

She was, of course, right; she had, of course, missed the point entirely.

"True," murmured Kyouya, noting it down. He didn't even smile.


	11. Chapter 11

Crossover with Discworld

_For an anonymous requester - Susan Sto Helit and Haruhi_

"Susan-san, wait!"

The quiet one -- Haruhi -- was panting, her hands on her knees. She straightened up as Susan turned around. "I wanted to ask you -- "

"I do not want a cup of tea," said Susan dangerously. "I am not interested in compliments on the marvellous flexibility of my hair, I don't care if you keep it in the family as long as you keep it to yourselves, and I _hate_ cake!"

"That's not what I wanted to ask," said Haruhi. "You said sometimes you met dead people."

Susan looked Haruhi up and down. "You believed me?"

"Of course," said Haruhi.

"You don't strike me as the sort of person who believes in ghosts."

"Oh, I don't," said Haruhi. "But I know dead people exist."

Susan blinked. It was, she thought, like stumbling upon a sane wizard. You found it hard to believe your ears.

"Good answer," said Susan. "What did you want to ask me?"

"A favour," said Haruhi. She handed Susan an envelope. "Could you pass that to my mother, if you ever meet her? Her name's Fujioka Kotoko. She looks a little like me."

"Oh." Susan stared down at the envelope. It was brown. "I don't think it's likely that I'd have the chance to pass this to her, Haruhi."

"I didn't think so," said Haruhi. "But ... just in case."

"What's in it?" said Susan, and immediately regretted it. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that -- "

"It just says thank you," said Haruhi. "And that I'm glad she was my mother."

"Don't you think she'd know that?"

"No," said Haruhi, surprised. "I never told her. People don't suddenly know things just because they're dead, do they?"

"They tend to be even more confused than they were when they were alive, in my experience," said Susan. She tucked the envelope away in a pocket. "I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you," said Haruhi.


End file.
